The Chronicles of Luperman
by cantwriteforshite
Summary: The adventures of LUPERMAN! He FLIES! He HOWLS! HE.. this story is freaking retarded.
1. Default Chapter

The Chronicles of LUPERMAN!!!

This was inspired by the Professor Lupin from the Harry Potter films, _not_ the books. Well actually, thats a lie. It was inspired by two of my friends, who have a long-standing joke of calling Lupin 'Loopeeeein!', and they were inspired by the Lupin of the films, and then they inspire me, que? =D Hey life's complicated. Ai.

Disclaimer: The only thing that is mine here is the word 'Luperman' and the concept that Dementors have eyebrows. o0 The rest belongs to JK.

Harry Ron and Hermione were sitting on the Hogwarts express. The weather was miserable and dark, and the foreboding atmosphere was added to when the train came to a sudden stop.

"What the bloody hell?"  
"Ronald Weasley, I doubt your mother would approve of you using such-"

"Hey, shut up you two, someones boarding the train."

They looked at each other, thinking exactly the same thing. _The trains on a bridge._

"Hey... Its cold. Think we've broken down?" Ron was talking quietly as if someone unwanted was trying to listen. Harry shrugged.

"Well the train is probably run on magic so in theory it shouldn't break down, but I can't be sure, I'll ask Professor McGonagall when-" Hermione was cut off again when a shadow appeared outside of the door. The handle clicked out of its catch, and the door swung open.

What was standing there was too horrible to imagine. The creature reeked of death, suppressed only by the long black robes that enveloped it. Only a hand was visible. Harry gazed in horror at the hand, glistening and moldy like some dead animal that had been rotting in the damp. his head began to swim, and as the creature approached him his eyes went out of focus and blackened round the edges.

"I'LL SAVE YOU!!!" Harry looked at the seat next to him in astonishment. Under what they had assumed to be a pile of coats was a man, with a bent little mustache and a queer haircut. He was dressed in wizards robes, but he ripped them off, revealing not flesh but a blue spandex suit. Hermione gasped and clasped her hands together, eyes sparkling.

"Its.. Luperman! Save us Luperman!" Luperman smiled gaily at her, and pulled out his wand.

"Never fear! LUPERMAN IS HERE!!!" Discarding his wand, he jumped in front of the three teenagers and spread out his arms.

"If you want them Dementor of Azkaban, you'll have to go through ME!!" The dementor (probably) raised an eyebrow under his cloak, and put its hands on Luperman's shoulders. Hermione squealed and buried her head in Ron's chest.

"Bugger off 'Mionie! This is just wrong!" He put his hand on the back of her head, and Harry rolled his eyes.

"Uh-Little help, kids?" Amid Hermione and Ron's little display of affection, Harry had forgotten that Luperman was having his soul sucked out.

"Uuuh..." Hermione looked up from Ron's jumper, and sighed exasperatedly.

_"Men!" _She promptly got out of her seat, pushed Luperman aside and kicked the Dementor in a place that she had often dreamed of kicking Malfoy in after all of the Mudblood incidents. It let out a horrifying shriek and melted.

Luperman stood and gave them another gay smile.

"I am LUPERMAN!! I have SAVED YOU ALL!!" Ron looked at Harry. Harry looked at Hermione. Hermione stared in disbelief at Luperman.

"But I-"

"No need to thank me! All in a days work for- LUPERMAN!" Had this scenario been in an anime cartoon, a large sweat drop would have appeared on the back of Luperman's head at Hermione went very red and began to yell at him. Fortunately this is a fanfic, and I get to decide.

Luperman smiled yet again, and opened the window, ignoring Hermione as she clenched her fists and glared at him.

"We will meet again, my friends! To Hogwarts!" He jumped out of the window. Harry almost expected him to start flying, but instead he fell on to the bridge, and stood in the rain, looking a bit lost.

"Would you kindly pass me one of those coats, lad?" Before Harry had a chance to respond, the train started again. Ron was staring at Hermione for some answers, and looking slightly bewildered.

"Do you want to know who Luperman is then? Okay-"  
"NO!"


	2. Chapter 2

"No way Harry! You mean that the dementors are after your godfather who happens to be a mass murderer slash lunatic with very cool hair and that Luperman was one of your dads friends?" Harry looked up at Ron, who was sitting cross legged next to him in the Gryffindor Common Room, and staring with a disjointed expression.

"Uh, Ron..?" Ron muttered something that sounded very much like 'Bloody hell' and left for the boys dorms. Hermione was sitting behind Harry playing with her necklace and looking like shed been drinking too much caffeine.

"Harry Harry Harry there must be something Ron with wrong, I mean wrong with Ron hes acting quite strange don't you think? Uhh..." Her eyelids drooped and she stared dumbly at him. Harry shrugged, pleased that she'd shut up. Maybe Ron had a premonition, he thought. But nah, that was too far fetched. A thundering sound came from the stairwell

"BLOODY HELL!! Were late for like, three lessons!! Were so retarded!!" Ron practically flung himself across the threshold and out through the portrait.

"Oh yeah, we've got Luperman for Defense. See you there." Hermione whipped her necklace out and disappeared.

"Thats strange, I could have sworn she was there a second ago... She must have gone with Ron..." Harry got up and walked casually out of the door. He is the Boy Who Lived, of course.

As Harry entered the classroom, he thought it was more of a photo shoot than anything. Parvati and Lavender were jabbering about how they were going to sell their photos on M-bay, and Luperman was sitting at the front, flexing his muscles. He hadn't seen fit to put his robes back on, and a lot of the girls were ogling the spandex.

"As I'm sure YOU KNOW," he said, pointing at the class as a person, "I am the one, the only, LUPERMAN!!! And Harry here will tell you how great I am. He may have DIED, if it was not for LUPERMAN!!!!" The class sat, now in mutual disgust and sympathy for Harry. He buried his head in his hands.

"NOW! I will set you against one of the most DANGEROUS, the most ELUSIVE and the most MYSTERIOUS of mythical beasts! Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you- THE BOGGART!!!!" he kicked open a wooden chest, trying to hide the type of grimace only brought on by sore toes. Two little eyes poked out from the rim of the box, and ducked back.

"It is preparing its ATTACK!!!!!!" They sat. Luperman stared at the box for several minutes. Nothing happened.

"Uuuuuuuhh, its GONE!!! DEFEATED, by LUPERMAN!!!!!!!" They looked at him with hatred.

"Bloody hell," Ron whispered to Harry, "I'd rather have Lockhart than this stupid prick."


	3. Chapter 3

Dont even ask about the liiiiine dancing. Ask THEM .:points at Emma and Marie who are sitting in a corner:. Haaaa...

* * *

The lesson lasted a long, long time. Finally they were allowed out of the old dingy classroom, and forgetting all other lessons, the Gryffindors went to crash in the common room. Except Hermionie, who had disappeared in the middle of the corridor.

"It's a bit weird though, isn't it Ron? She just vanished."

"Who gives a donkeys arse, really? As long as shes back in time to help us with our potions homework."  
"You know you like her really."

"DON'T BE SO BLOODY-"His head snapped up, and he looked over at Seamus who was holding up a tattered piece of paper.

"Look guys! Look at me! Harry, look at me! LOOK-"He was cut off as Hermionie snatched the piece of paper from his hands and read it. She gasped in an annoyingly girly voice.

"Professor Luperman's doing line dancing lessons tonight! Oh, its gonna be as much fun as professor Lockharts dueling club!" With a twitch, she involuntarily flung the paper into the air where Parvati and some sixth year girls began having a bitch fight over it.

"Hey, you know what Harry, I think we shouldn't go to lessons at all this year. They're bloody boring." Harry nodded in agreement and stood up to help Dean Thomas split the girls up, who were beginning to tear out each others hair.

"Ronnieeeee....Hiccup!" Hermionie leant on Ron's shoulder. His ears went magenta.

"PISS OFF!!" Hermionie looked at him in a 'you've hurt me so much, right down in to the very depths of my heart, my soul, a scar that lasts in to eternity' kind of look, and ran sobbing loudly to the girls dorms.

"Phew... Glad she's gone." Harry got up, kicked Ron in the leg and went to the boys dorms.

"Oh no.. Hedwigs pooped on my homework... And my pyjamas... And my wizard chess set... And my wand.. And Ron's wand... And Ron's homework..." He stiffened. "It's a sign!!! Theres nothing to do now, therefore- WE HAVE TO GO TO LINE DANCING LESSONS!!!" He raced back down the stairs, grabbed Ron by the collar, and raced out of the portrait.

"Sorry we're late Professor-"Harry gasped. The whole of Lupin's classroom was bright, and there was hay on the floor. Lupin was wearing a different spandex, with built in cowboy boots and a twirly skirt, making him look very much like a girl.

"Come boys! Come join us on the liiiine, the liiiiiine!!" He pointed his wand at the radio and Shania Twain came on. Harry and Ron stood next to eachother, feeling more than a little scared.

"Give me the Dursleys, give me Snape, give me shitting Voldemort- Anything but this twat and his Country music..." Harry broke in to a sweat and put his right foot forward, tapped it and put it back.

"No no Harry! I said TIP not TAP!" Luperman gave a loud, obnoxious laugh,and got back on his line.

"Like this!" He began to dance, very extravagantly.

"My Mum dances better than him..." Harry nodded at Ron in agreement. They stood there for the reast of the hour long lesson, watching Lupin gyrate. Or rather, trying not to watch him gyrate. The mental scars were awful.


End file.
